


Take a dip in my daydreams

by thelikelylad



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2018-12-31 06:19:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12126384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelikelylad/pseuds/thelikelylad
Summary: The story in which dreams either comes true or become the mere subject of a young man's nostalgia. And yes, dream is a roundabout way of saying Park Jihoon's name.





	1. Chapter 1

In hindsight, it was an extremely stupid crush, given that all crushes are supposed to be just a jumble of inane feelings and suppressed emotions. But the subject of his childish one-sided romantic fantasy was someone extraordinary. He was so incredibly sweet, genuinely kind and otherworldly beautiful that it was inevitable he would be the centre of our protagonist’s world. In fact, to say he was his everything would be an understatement because with the way he took a hold of his heart almost immediately and gravely, his power must be of omnipotent level.

Yet no matter how strong of an argument he can offer to reason the irrational feelings he had towards the older boy, in the end, isn’t it a futile thing to crush on someone who would only be there in your life for a period as brief as one year and it also had to be the one year in his life when he would be sometimes tactless, reckless and most of the time, powerless? This is the kind of conclusion that he comes to every time he looks back on the foolish days of his seventeen, and also the kind that never fails to make him feel utterly defeated even now, at the age of twenty one.

But if he has to be brutally honest with himself, he thinks he is definitely more stupid now that he ever was. Because he thinks, no, he knows for sure that a lot of things have changed but the one fact remains. He still loves him.

Lai Guanlin is still in love with Park Jihoon.

 

 

 ---

 

 

 

“Why is it that every time I see you, you’re eating tuna and cheese sandwich? Is this a loop? Oh god, is my life an endless loop? Am I Truman?”

“For the hundredth time, your life is not film and if it were, you wouldn’t be Truman. To be honest, I think I am the one experiencing a loop if you keep this up.”

Minhyun groaned as he proceeded to lay propped against the wall behind him while slightly adjusted his legs to the side to leave a decent amount of space for his noisy friend, Jaehwan to sit down. He always went for this specific spot next to the gigantic and barely curtained window in the common room of their dorm for the sole reason that it was quieter here far away from all the television and table tennis enthusiasts. But Guanlin thought it was simpler than that. Minhyun knew he would look ethereal with the kind of lighting a gigantic window would provide him.

“Uhm, I don’t think there’s anything better judging from the diversity that we have in the cafeteria. That’s why,” Guanlin said as he nonchalantly put the last piece of the sandwich into his mouth. It was the sufficiently burnt and strangely chewy crusts that everyone hated but him. Without it, there would be nothing special about this sandwich.

“Huh?” Jaehwan cocked his head to the side looking totally confused with Guanlin’s late reply.

“I thought you were asking?”

“He was but he probably stopped caring before he even asked that. He just wanted to make an entrance,” Minhyun said matter-of-factly.

“It’s you who knows me best!” Jaehwan exclaimed and for the necessary touch of drama, he charged right into Minhyun’s chest with the speed and grace of a hungry toddler at dinner time and subsequently knocks the taller boy onto the ground. As they started to half fight and half embrace each other, Guanlin decided he wanted to see no more of this and stood up trying to collect his stuff before some of them got broken by the two older people wiggling on the carpeted floor.

“Hey, where are you going?” Minhyun finally spoke up whilst firmly pushing Jaehwan’s face as far away from his as possible.

“I gotta go find Seongwoo hyung. He took my files by mistake this morning,” said Guanlin as he pulled his red cap out under the older’s back. It was hard even with his cooperation as he was suffering from the weight of one whole Kim Jaehwan on top of him.

“No, you can’t see Seongwoo hyung now!” Jaehwan suddenly shot up and now switched to sitting on top of Minhyun instead of lying on him.

“Uhm, and why is that?”

“Because… because he… they…uhm, yeah.. Seongwoo hyung said so!”

“Why are you stuttering?” Minhyun, finally freed from Jaehwan’s weakening hold, questioned his best friend’s strange behaviour.

“Seriously, I’m doing this for Guanlin’s sake.” He turned his attention back to Minhyun and failed to notice that the youngest was still there squinting at him in an attempt to see through his bullshit.

“Forget it, I’m just gonna go ask the man himself.” Guanlin gave up and turned to leave. This was getting ridiculous.

“Can you…can you do that without seeing him in person?” Jaehwan desperately shouted to the direction of the door and got a firm “No!” back from Guanlin who was already completely out of sight at that point.

“Seriously though, what’s this all about?” Minhyun asked, in a lower and more concerned tone, as he sat up straight and fixed his hair.

“Well, the thing is…”

\---------

Guanlin started to look for his older roommate in various places he can go to enjoy his lunch time. But he was doing without much thought because of two reasons and the first being the fact that he could always ask Daniel, Seongwoo’s soulmate in another life and potentially all the other lives he was going to have, and get pointed to wherever Seongwoo was in an instant. It was a bit creepy how those two willingly acted as a personal tracker of each other. Anyways, the other reason for his absent-minded search was that he was sure he had lost his ability to be surprised at anything thrown at him at that point in his life. It was not that Guanlin expected himself to be a soulless zombie and walk a mindless path to the inevitable end of his existence like how the main character in a typical coming of age film would identify themselves. Like Jaehwan, his life is not a movie. But something happened in his past took away a part of him, the part which enabled him to feel strong emotions. Well, nothing happened but someone did. That person was the sole source of any strong feelings he had about anything and when he took off from Guanlin’s life, he undoubtedly took away that part as well.

It was almost 4 years ago since he last saw him but Guanlin could still picture his face vividly in his mind. It was a silly thing to do but it was a thing he did instinctively whenever he was left alone with his thoughts. So now would be a perfect time for such a thing. Guanlin laughed at himself as his brain started to reconstruct that face from his memories. His hair was always dyed in a light shade of brown which would only further visualize the soft and fluffy sensation of its texture as one would expect from even just a slight pat on his head. And sometimes he would curl his hair a bit when it got so long it would cover half of his face if it happened to be a windy day. But then his nose would catch people eyes instantly as its tall bridge emerged from the soft brown mess. And as he clumsily tried to shove his bangs out of his face, his slightly chapped but rather plump lips would be flattened as a sign of frustration, but also as an unconscious attempt at being the cutest person on earth like any other gesture of his. He was already that beautiful, yet as he looked up having pushed his hair back successfully, it started to become clear that his eyes were blatantly his best asset. They were big, brown and constantly haze with a thin veil of some kind of water so pure and clear it would take the appearance similar to that of a sparkling star when sunlight slipped down his fluffy brown hair, and fell onto his face. His lashes were also very soft-looking and surprisingly long despite being quite sparse and thin, which altogether added to the vulnerability of his beauty. But the thing about his eyes was not just the mere fact that they were absolutely perfect, but that there was a twist where nobody could expect it. They went downwards in the traditionally lovely form of a pair of puppy eyes but right towards end, they suddenly turned upward in a cat-like manner. This feature was both so visible and subtle that sometimes it looked like a really charming wrinkle line but at other times, it would just make people wonder if one of his long lashes had fallen down and stuck on the end of his eyes.

The more Guanlin thought about it, the more alarmingly real the picture in his head became. This was getting strange because now he started to hear his voice too. That low and husky voice you wouldn’t expect to come from such an adorable and short person.

“Hey, Guanlin.”

Oh God, something was definitely wrong with him. He was certainly hallucinating because there was no way this could be…

“…real?”

And that was when Seongwoo finally appeared in his line of vision and knocked him out of his daydream. Or did he?

“Yes, he is real. Jihoon’s here. Say hello, Guanlin.”

 

 

 


	2. Hitched a ride on a dream he's driving

Ong Seongwoo took stock of the situation in front of him through his green tinted shades, which, fashion-wise, was as ineffectual as a plastic bag but sufficiently covered his swollen eyes. He had to cry for three hours yesterday just because the director in charge of the ramen advertisement deal he had scored recently decided that he needed one thousand takes of Seongwoo shedding tears in delight over a single mouthful of spicy instant noodles. But he wished he could cry right here and now. That would at least abate the tension of what was happening before his eyes now.

‘How are you doing?” Jihoon spoke up after a decade worth of silence. His voice was a bit higher than normal and he unconsciously bit his lower lip at the end of the sentence. Anyone could see him slowly crushed under the penetrating stare of the younger but so much taller boy in front of him.

“I should be asking that,” said Guanlin as he broke his stare and took one step closer to Jihoon.

Seongwoo cringed a bit at the curt reply and extreme paucity of emotions on the youngest’s face and subconsciously put a reassuring hand on Jihoon’s shoulder. The mood turned belligerent so quickly he wished Daniel was here. His always-sugar-high friend would know how to laugh this whole thing off and just dragged Guanlin away while asking him what he would want for dinner or something. Seongwoo, on the other hand, was always so clumsy at using humour just to entertain people, let alone relieving tension. He thought if he spoke right now he would just overcompensate things and make Jihoon feel one hundred times worse, if that was even possible considering how Guanlin just brought his face down to Jihoon’s eyes level and presumed his stare.

As Jihoon unconsciously tried to avert his eyes and take a step back, Guanlin nonchalantly put his hand on the pillar behind him and finally loosened up. The two older boys watched as his facial muscles relaxed into a smile. That trademark gummy smile of his that was honestly what people meant when they talked about a smile that could light up the whole world.

“Just kidding, Jihoon hyung. I’ve been doing fine,” He answered in his usual deep but bubbly voice, a stark contrast to the monotonous and icy tone he used just a moment ago. He also swiftly fixed his posture and leaned back to give Jihoon back his personal space as he retracted his hand on the pillar and put it back in his pocket. Seongwoo noticed Jihoon’s eyes followed Guanlin’s hand until it rested in the warmth of his baggy pockets. Somehow he looked lonely.

“I’m glad to hear that,” The older and smaller boy cracked a smile as he looked up at Guanlin. From where Seongwoo was standing, it looked almost as if the upward lines at the sides of his eyes had completely disappeared as Jihoon tried to give Guanlin a reassuring eye smile. Seongwoo did not know if Guanlin notice but he was sure for a moment, the smallest of three looked as if he could be crying.

“Alright, I’ll have to take Jihoon to my acting class now. Do you want to tag along?” Seongwoo decided it was time to intervene and step into their conversation.

“Oh yeah..ah, no. I have to go see Jaehwan hyung now. He was screaming about something back there,” Guanlin was a bit surprised at the sound of Seongwoo’s voice. He had forgotten someone else was there because like any other time when he was with Jihoon, people just started to fade into the background. It was silly of him to still think this way though. It had been 4 years. Nothing should be the same.

“See you later?” Jihoon intentionally brushed Guanlin’s arm as he was led away by Seongwoo to get his attention.

“Yeah, sure,” The younger smiled at him. He did not know where all this confidence and composition came from so before this calm façade collapsed, he had to get away as soon as possible. “I’m going this way,” he said as he turned away and tried not to run off like an idiot.

Seongwoo waited a bit to let Jihoon whispered a goodbye to himself as his graze lingered on Guanlin’s turning back. He sighed and made a mental note to drag Daniel or Jisung or at least, Jaehwan with him the next time he would be stuck between these two.

 

\---

Jihoon’s first memory of Guanlin dated back to his senior year at high school. He was unusually tall and strikingly handsome. With a pair of dark brown elongated eyes, straight nose, full and rosy tinted lips and messily pushed back hair revealing his broad forehead, and more importantly, a gummy smile complemented by two profound dimples on the sides of his mouth, Guanlin was bound to stand out among a sea of teenagers at his school. But the first time Jihoon saw him, the younger was all alone in his classroom doing an afterschool cleanup in place of his classmate and without anyone there to be compare him to, Jihoon still knew this would be the most good-looking guy he would ever see in his entire lifetime. Because all the windows were opened and the classroom was bathed in the filmy glow of afternoon sunlight, because late spring’s breezes were searing through the sheer curtains nonchalantly drawn over the window behind Guanlin’s back, because time had stopped and all noises had been drown out by the thumping sound of Jihoon’s heartbeats. Because of all these things, or simply because it was Guanlin, that exact moment when the younger turned around and looked at Jihoon became the most vivid memory in his youth. And then sometimes when he looked back on the days in his past, everything would just come to him all at once like an unstoppable flood filling up the entire space in his mind all of a sudden. But as it slowed down and became still, he would find the seventeen-year-old Guanlin stand there, against the back of the walls in his memory and embraced by April sunset glow, smiling at him just like he did that day.

And how Jihoon wished the last memory he had of Guanlin would just be as magical and sweet as his first. Because he thought he understood what people meant when they said regrets always triumph fond memories. So buried deep down under all the thick and dusty layers of repentance and sorrows in the corner of his mind was the scene of the seventeen year-old Guanlin standing impossibly still and transfixed to the spot under their favourite tree, his lips pressed together, eyes widened in confusion and heart potentially broken.

Jihoon never let Guanlin finish what he was about to tell him that day. Because he had to tell him first that he was leaving everyone behind for an opportunity he had always dreamt of. Because he was leaving Guanlin behind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to edit Guanlin's age in the present timeline because I wanted everyone to still be in college (except Jisung but I'll find some sort of setting for him later). And thanks to all of you who've read this. I'll try my best to update it regularly. 
> 
> P/S: I usually listen to one certain song/playlist while writing a chapter and this time it was Up from the movie Sing Street. I haven't watched it but the song was a simple type of love song which suited the mood I tried to set for Jihoon's memory of Guanlin.


	3. Alone

“So the thing is Jihoon’s going to attend my acting class for a while. His agency told him to get more training before filming his debut movie.”

Ong Seongwoo announced the fact to his younger friend nonchalantly as he walked out of the shower later that day. But the way his eyes carefully scanned the other’s face for any reaction quickly betrayed his faux composure. If he was to be honest with himself, he would rather have someone else do this for him. He knew Guanlin was not going to take all of this well and in their circle of friends, it was painfully obvious that no one would count on him to deal with sensitive information and conflicts.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah, Okay.”

Guanlin said looking straight into Seongwoo’s eyes. His facial expression is a cross between indifference and pent up frustration.

Seongwoo froze for a brief second under the icy scrutiny emitting from the other’s firm stare. Several possible scenarios keep flashing up in his mind like the glaring red light of an ambulance. One of them was if he stood up right now and ran to Daniel’s room, which was right next to theirs, he would definitely not have to deal with stoned-cold Guanlin until the next day when the guy had probably slept off his anger. And he was rather content with this possibility until a fragment of his memories popped up out of nowhere giving him an intensely mental jolt. He remembered a soulless Guanlin knocking on the door of his house on the day of his graduation party looking completely soaked through, as if he had been walking under the relentless July shower for hours. And all he could mutter as Seongwoo hurriedly put a towel over his head was two single words. Jihoon left.

Ugh. Give me a break. Seongwoo groaned mentally and snapped his fingers next to his ears to shake himself out of nostalgia as if the image in his head was only an annoying fly he could shoo away.

“What’s that, hyung?” Guanlin broke his stare and gave his head a slight tilt to the right in confusion.

“Nothing!” Seongwoo almost cursed himself for being so unnecessarily jumpy.

“Okay then…” The younger frowned a bit then switched to look at the floor as he did not think his older roommate being weird was anything that…weird.

Seongwoo, on the other hand, decided he could not avoid his responsibility as an older friend when he saw Guanlin slumped down on his bed looking absolutely miserable.

“Hey, if you want to talk, you know you can talk, right?” He stood up and intentionally gave Guanlin a little bump on his shoulder as he sat down next to him. It was a bit too strong.

“I don’t really want to.” The younger gave him a curt reply in defense. He was rightfully hurting and also entitled to not discuss his pain any further.

“I know. I just… I’m here, you know. For you.” Seongwoo tried his best to sound reassuring. He was not familiar with this position of being an adult in a friendship but he knew Guanlin trusted him enough to let him in sometimes. Like he had done all those years ago.

“I’m sorry.” The other instantly looked contrite.

“It’s okay.” Seongwoo smiled forgivingly and gave Guanlin a little pat on the back. He carefully watched the other’s expression for a minute then said to him, in an uncharacteristically calm tone of voice, “You will be okay too.”

Guanlin looked up. He was a bit taken aback at his older friend’s words but then, almost immediately, relaxed his shoulder and muttered a small thank you.

“Hey, wanna go grab a bite?” Seongwoo stood up, left hand still lingering on Guanlin’s bony shoulder.

“You go first. I’ll take a quick shower first.” The younger smiled wryly at the sudden change of mood.

“Suit yourself.” He shrugged then made his exit. It was not even a second later that Guanlin heard his shrilly childish voice as he called for his dearest “Niel-sshi”. He silently chuckled to himself over the thought of two big-built guys clumsily bumping chest and talking in high pitch to piss each other off. On some of Guanlin’s darkest days, this was his only source of entertainment.

 

 

\------

 

As Guanlin stepped out of his dorm in search for the nearest location for a quick meal, it was already starting to get dark. The last faint trace of sunlight was gradually blending with an early night’s blackness creating this eerie hue of purplish orange. The chilly breezes of late September’s dusk instantly embraced his entire body whilst the fresh warmth of hot water was idly lingering on his skins. Guanlin felt a strange sensation akin to anxiety running through his body as the chills took over any remnants of the hot shower. He heaved a sigh as all of his feelings were revoked at once. He tried to numb his conscience and reminiscence by standing under almost boiling stream of water for half an hour but to no avail. He was beating himself over the fact that he was unnecessarily cold to Seongwoo, and Jihoon this afternoon. Especially when he thought about the latter and how he looked like there could be tears in his eyes, the pangs of guilt intensified greatly. He tried to justify his odd reaction to Jihoon’s arrival and he knew he could. It was not like he was the one who just upped and left the other with only so much as a simple goodbye. But as always, no amount of argument could rationalize his instinct to side with Jihoon at any time and in any case even if it was a case against himself.

After several minutes of this, Guanlin figured he should eat something first then presume grinding himself down later. He took a quick look around and went for this humble looking but packed family restaurant. He was not that hungry so he would not mind the wait and normally he would hate a big crowd, especially when there were children involved but frankly speaking, he could use some distraction now. Satisfied that he was able to secure a table right next to the window looking out over the street, Guanlin calmly flipped through the menu and gave it his undivided attention as if he was in a Michelin starred restaurant looking through a wine selection. As he finally looked up to order, Guanlin caught a familiar figure in the corner of his eyes right. It was Jihoon. He was coming out of this jet black van, which probably belonged to his company. It was strange though. There was someone one else in the van with him and they seemed, at the very least, reluctant to let Jihoon go seeing how tight their fingers were grasping the hem of his long sleeve. Guanlin frowned deeply before he even realized he was very quickly annoyed with this particular action, especially when Jihoon started to look extremely uncomfortable with this whole thing. If he was anything like how he had been in Guanlin’s memories of him, he clearly would not be able to shake off that persistent tug on his shirt. Jihoon had never been able to get himself out of this kind of situation. But Guanlin had always known exactly what to do at times like this.

“Hey, what’s up?”

Before he was even aware of what he was doing, Guanlin was walking towards Jihoon. He was acting as calm and composed as he could but his eyes were clearly on the unidentified hand on Jihoon’s shirt.

“Guanlin?” The other was, as expected, stunned by this sudden appearance. The moment he realized the target of Guanlin’s icy stare, he instantly yanked the hand off his sleeve with the amount of strength the both of them had not known he had and hid his arms behind his back as if he had been caught red-handed doing something awful by the younger.

Guanlin noticed the action and froze a bit in his steps as he reprimanded himself for making this somehow seem like he was cornering Jihoon. But before he could explain himself, he was interrupted .

“Hey, what’s wrong with you?” A girl, adorned with heavy makeup and dressed in an awkwardly frilly pinkish one-piece, stepped out of the car. Guanlin unconsciously looked away as he tried to suppress his urge to frown at the glaring contrast of her style.

“Oh, is this your friend?” She finally saw Guanlin and immediately whispered to Jihoon in a voice loud enough for all parties involved to hear, “He’s handsome.”

“Yes, I’m his friend. And you are?” Guanlin knew he sounded a bit hostile there but to be honest, he cared very little about her feelings when he saw Jihoon visibly tried to shift away from her leaning in.

“Oh, me? I’m ..”

“My lady, please get in. The boss wants you to be home in 10 minutes.” A man dressed in all black stepped out and slightly bowed to her making it absolutely clear he did not care about either Jihoon or Guanlin in any way.

“What? But I want to be with him more!” She almost shrieked in protest, her voice scratchy and loud. Both boys instinctively took a further step away from her but the man in black seemed unfazed as he maintained his stern expression and held his firm gaze at her. So she did what a small young lady could under the pressure of all that. She gave in.

“Alright.”

“Thank you my lady.” The man gave a little bow precisely at the same angle and with the same amount of grace as he did at the beginning. Then he began to usher her into the car. Guanlin thought it was strange how they both did not spare Jihoon a single glance as the door closed and the car engine started. She was acting like she could not bear a single second without him and now it was unnecessary to simply look at him, let alone say goodbye.

“What was that?” Guanlin couldn’t help asking the minute he saw the car fade into distance.

“I guess they just really want to do what her dad said.” Jihoon finally smiled, but still found it uneasy to look at Guanlin.

“Her dad? The boss?”

“Yeah.” He said looking at his hands now.

“Strange people…” The younger shook his head signaling the end of this topic. Jihoon really could not find a meaningful reply to that remark, especially now that realization has finally dawned upon the both of them that they were standing next to each other on the street without any third party to direct their next conversation.

“Have you eaten yet?” Guanlin took the initiative. He was getting restless looking at Jihoon trying his best to hide his anxiety around him.

“Me? No. No, I haven’t.” The older was a bit jumpy than usual. After all these years, he had nearly lost his ability to handle the immense power Guanlin’s stare had on him. It was cliché but he felt so much smaller in the presence of the younger as if the height difference was not intimidating enough already.

“Hey, you know… you don’t have to…”

“Have to what?” It was the first time Jihoon looked up at him in the entirety of their conversation.

“Be scared of me. That’s what.” Guanlin put one hand on the other’s shoulder, his gaze softened.

“No… I... I’m not.” His voice trailed as he became extremely conscious of the subtle weight on his shoulder.

“Then that’s good. Now let’s grab something to eat.”

A flash of profound dimples and a quick head tilt full of encouragement was all that it took to take down Jihoon’s defense. He obediently followed the younger’s lead into the restaurant. He did not know if it was a good idea to be with the younger alone after what he had put him through all those years ago, but he willingly let the dissonance in his mind combust as the instant sensation of security wrapped his heart when Guanlin’s strong and wide back clouded his vision.

Jihoon wished his hand did not feel so lonely though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I haven't updated in weeks. I was snowed under works these past few weeks and couldn't find time to sit down and write. Anyways, I know the story is progressing very slowly but pacing a plot has never been my forte so please be patient with me while I try to get better at it.


	4. It's hard to get around the wind.

Nothing of importance happened during their first dinner together in 4 years. They spent most of the time eating in silence and observing other people in the restaurant. It was not the sort of frightful silence dreaded and expected by Jihoon who was constantly being weighed down by the guilt he had been carrying around for four years but it was not a meaningful silence either. To the both of them, a cessation of conversation was not an option but inevitability. They had been apart for so long that neither was sure they could talk about the same things and be understood again. Did he still like this? Or did he somehow hate it now? Those were the sorts of questions constantly hovering in their mind like this heavy dark cloud over an otherwise limpid sky. And sometimes when a random screechy cry from a toddler broke out and effectively filled their silence, Jihoon would take that as a cue and look up at Guanlin from his plate wanting to use that as a conversation starter. But Guanlin’s stoic facial expression and steady gaze on either his unfinished hamburger or some strangers on the street outside would immediately alerted Jihoon to the possibility that any conversation at all would be too soon. And then he would shrink back into his seat and resume studying every single clove of vegetables in his soggy salad.

Sometimes Guanlin missed it but most of the time he could catch all of this in the corner of his eyes as he faked concern for other people or his food. He would mentally heave out a sigh as he watched the person who used to the most important thing to him struggle just to initiate an interaction with him. But he knew he would not be the first to start talking, though it was not out of childish resentment. He was never sure if Jihoon leaving him out of the blue, right when their relationship was about to enter a new stage was anything to still get angry over after all this time. He had had so much time to grow accustomed to the pangs of frustration and confusions in his heart that they had gradually been subdued to something akin to a chronic knee pain. It still aches from time to time but it was the most subtle kind of aching. But when the weather is awful and he had so much time on his own that his mind started to replay that exact scene on their graduation day, the pain intensified and the whole of his inside was filled with unbearable sorrows. He knew that he had come to terms with the fact that Jihoon had to leave their town regardless of their relationship but he remained sad and heartbroken. Yet now that the source of his torment was sitting in front of him, Guanlin felt so little he could not think of anything to say. Anything at all. He would occasionally glance at Jihoon with the kind of audacity he wished the other had to do just the same thing with him, and he would realize that all the things he could say did not matter but anything that mattered, he lacked the vocabulary or even the vocalization to bring it up. So he resigned himself to his incompetency and concentrated on regaining his appetite because he did not want to appear sulky by not finishing his food.

It was near the end of their meal that Guanlin’s phone started to ring. He was not the kind to meticulously pick up different ringtone for every person in his contact list so he had no idea who would call him at this time of the day. It was not late at all, but he was also not the kind to get calls after school hours and he normally could guess who the caller was due to the fact that he made sure only a handful of people knew his number.

“Hmm…” Guanlin looked at the caller id and was starting to feel even more clueless. Initially he did not think he should answer this one, but then again, it could be an emergency.

“Hey…” He tentatively answered the call signaling to Jihoon to wait for him. The other gave him a reassuring smile.

It was not a long call. In fact, it lasted exactly 47 seconds.

“Who was that?” Jihoon asked out of the blue. This question would have been normal 4 years ago. But now, it immediately sent Jihoon into a mental breakdown. He feared Guanlin would find him some sort of obsessive ex-girlfriend who stubbornly gave him the silent treatment minutes ago just to pry into his calls history now.

The younger, obviously, did not think so.

“She’s some girl I know from work.” The concise answer was accompanied by a slight shrug and an imperceptible glance at Jihoon.

“What girl?” Jihoon wanted to ask but he successfully held himself back this time. “A part-time job?” he said instead.

“You could say that. It was a onetime thing though.” Guanlin leaned back into his seat while masterfully remaining his indifferent expression. The slightly older but very much smaller boy, on the other hand, instantly felt overwhelmed by his graze which was now on him.

“Seongwoo hyung sometimes asked me to go help at his shoot.” He paused a bit and looked at his hands on both sides of the chair. His bony fingers tapped on the faded leather skin to an anonymous rhythm for a brief second until he presumed his stare at Jihoon and continued. “I heard you guys met by chance during one of his photo shoots. Guess I could have run into you much sooner if I had gone with him that time.”

The firm and absolutely void of judgment tone of his voice made it clear that was no question. Nevertheless, Jihoon felt an immense impulse to explain himself. But the harder he tried to speak up, the bigger the lump in his throat grew. He was eventually weakened by the combination of guilt and helplessness, thus, resigned to powerlessness.

“Did she offer you another job?” Jihoon tried to change the subject in case his tiny glacier heart got crushed under the weight of Guanlin’s silence.

“No.” The younger replied with an ounce of hesitation. “She wanted to ask me out.”

“Oh.” Was all Jihoon could mutter through his breath. He was completely blindsided.

Guanlin took a moment to study the other’s facial expression as he slightly readjusted his sitting posture. The moment he added that last bit of information he realized he probably did it out of spite. During the span of their short-lived conversation, his emotional state went through a very quick development from reasonable numbness to unjustified rage. He masked his unquenchable desire to evoke all kinds strong emotions from Jihoon with a veil of poise as some kind of dormant frustration tore off his inner defense. Guanlin carefully analysed his irrational behaviour in his head. To be honest, Jihoon stirred up a strange sensation very much similar to hope, though he had no idea what he was hoping for, with his sudden interest in the identification of the caller. But then Guanlin was instantly confused by his lack of desire to pursue the matter any further. Hope clouded by confusion, covert joy mixed with blatant disappointment, all of which fuelled childish acrimony.

Guanlin walked himself into this trap set by both his momentary loss of control and Jihoon’s ignorance of his feelings and now he had no clue where to find an exit.

“I should probably get going.” The older abruptly stood up. “I got an audition early in the morning. I probably should go home and prepare for it. It’s a small part in a web drama but my character is a bit too complex for my range. I don’t know if I’ll get it but I want to give it my best. I think…”

“Go.” Guanlin interrupted Jihoon in fear his heart would stop due to the lack of breath. “I understand. So, just go.”

He tried to force out a smile to lighten the tension created by his unintentionally curt reply but he doubted it had any desirable effects on Jihoon seeing how the older evidently held in his breath and clammed down his lips like a child being scolded by his parents.

“Bye.” Jihoon said without looking at Guanlin’s direction, his voice almost inaudible.

Guanlin said nothing and just blankly watched as Jihoon hurried out of the door. It was not the first time he had to watch the other leaving. But as Jihoon’s small back faded into the crowded pavement, he realized it hurt nonetheless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short update because I don't think I'll be able to write til next week :)


	5. Everything looks perfect from far away

It happened during a chilly winter afternoon after school hours in the empty room of Jihoon’s theatre club. They were standing side by side watching heavy raindrops falling on the street outside their school. Puddles were soon starting to form among scattered leaves on the ground under the line of deciduous trees, which seemed to be writhing in enormous pain as the downpour kept hammering down on their frail leafless branches. It was unusual for this kind of rain shower to foist on them at this time of the year, which was part of the reason for their staying in school after their last period. No one would have bought an umbrella with them in the middle of the driest and coldest season of the year.

Guanlin had been unusually quiet for a while then. His tall figure was enveloped in the wan winter sunlight as if being shielded from the tingling chills of early winter by a flimsy makeshift blanket. Judging from the angle of his face, he was most likely looking at the same scenery as Jihoon. But when the older stole a glance or two, he somehow got a hunch that no reflection of the depressing rainfall would be detected in the endless darkness of Guanlin’s big but momentarily depthless eyes. An inscrutable silence surrounded the both of them making Jihoon feel a bit uneasy. In an unconscious attempt to distract Guanlin from his trance of thoughts, he took a long step back. But Jihoon miscalculated the length of his stride backwards when he accidentally stepped on a random piece of prop on the ground and ended up losing his balance. It was not so much a fall but a mere tumble, the kind of which only required the smallest effort and a second for Jihoon to regain his balance. Yet, the boy next to him took no chance and bony long fingers had already tightly grasped his left hand before his legs even reacted to the potential fall.

“Hyung, you can’t get hurt.”

Guanlin stated matter-of-factly, his graze soft and his voice low and firm.

“Thank you.”

Jihoon replied shyly. All of a sudden, he was awfully aware of his own smallness as the faint shade of Guanlin’s shadow cast over him. Behind the younger boy, the powerful roar of incessant downpour was drowning out all other sounds effectively making their surroundings sinking into a deafening silence and the wrinkly stained curtains finally succumbed completely to the strong winds giving way for the pale sunlight to pour into the room like a quiet and transparent flood. Amidst this nature chaos, Guanlin remained his tight grip on Jihoon’s right hand as if they had been caught in a torrential storm and as soon as he loosened his grip, he would lose the other to the wind.

His incessant loud heartbeat, the blinding and deafening rain, the gusty winds on his face, Guanlin’s overwhelmingly bigger figure casting a looming shadow over his increasingly smaller body, the intense eye contact and ever tightening grip on his somewhat smaller but chubbier hand, Guanlin’s bones sinking into the smooth skin protecting Jihoon’s flesh, his stare penetrating through the fragile walls of Jihoon’s wavering mind. All of these culminated in a total sensory overload driving him to an utterly confusing state of mind.

Jihoon could hear his heart pound in his ear and feel his line of vision growing gradually hazed as he tried his best to subdue the chaos in his mind. And that was when it happened. At the verge of losing his consciousness, Jihoon felt Guanlin’s lips on his. Whether it happened for a split of second, a minute, or an eternity, Jihoon never figured out because the sensation of those impossibly soft lips on his own might have the power akin to the tides in a full moon night completely washing over his mind and effectively erasing all concepts of time and place.

Even now when Jihoon tried to relay the scene in his head, he would only find himself sinking deeper in this amounted uncertainty and ultimate ambiguity. Yet there was something he could declare with absolute clarity, and that was the fact that when he was 18 and the other 17, on a rainy winter day, in that small and dirty room of his theatre club, Lai Guanlin had kissed him.

But so many years had passed and Guanlin was no longer by his side ready to catch him when he fell from a miscalculated step. He stayed prominently taller than Jihoon and his voice sounded almost the same, husky but with a hint of gentleness. Yet he stopped running up to Jihoon the minute he saw him, and he did not spend every single second together to talk about the silliest and most trivial happenings of the day. He still kept his habit of staring into the eyes of the person in front of him and he still flashed his dimples when he laughed at a random joke. Yet his graze stopped lingering on Jihoon after their conversation faded to an ending like he used to, and when he laughed at Jihoon now, his eyes did not form these crescent lines like he did in high school; they showed a glint of exhaustion instead. Realising all of these small changes in the younger boy gave Jihoon a lonely and helpless sort of feeling. The more he spent time in Lai Guanlin’s presence, the more extreme his vulnerability to this nameless pain grew like a man with a horrible sunburnt being exposed to the blazing sun.

Naturally, he started to avoid the younger after a while. Jihoon had no idea what he was running from and what he was hoping for. The only things he knew was that he would be rendered completely disorientated and powerless in front of Lai Guanlin, and that it was so much easier to for him to just disappear from the other’s life now. The bitter truth was unlike 17 year-old Guanlin, this completely grown up boy had stopped asking him where Jihoon was if he was not there. And despite his best efforts to think otherwise, Jihoon guessed it was probably because Guanlin had stopped caring. 

 

\----------

Guanlin was reading a reference book for his next class in the sunny spot in the cafeteria when he heard a familiar voice.

“It would make more sense if you were reading fiction.”

He briefly raised his head up to meet eyes with the source of this monotonous voice. In fact, he could have guessed who the other person was without looking. He did not know a lot of people who could deliver a sentence dripping with mischief and curiosity in such a flat tone.

“Make more sense? To whom?”

He asked but remained uninterested.

“I don’t know. I just figure if a handsome guy was reading a book under the sunlight, it wouldn’t be a text book. It’d ruin the fantasy.”

The other party shrugged and made himself comfortable next to Guanlin.

“Your fantasy?”

Guanlin slightly raised his eyebrows and locked his eyes on the others’ now as he closed his book.

“What did I tell you about looking at people like that?”

“That I’m too sexy to do this?”

“Yes. Exactly.”

The glint of mischief in his eyes and the exaggerated seduction displayed in the tone of his voice along with an attempt at smirking made Guanlin let out a small chuckle and break their eye contact. Somehow he always felt like he was losing whenever he engaged in a conversation with this guy.

“Yoo Seonho, what are you doing here?”

It was not that Guanlin particularly cared about his business in the university cafeteria. He resorted to changing the topic and encouraging the other to continue talking because for some reasons, he found himself restless when he had to share silence with Seonho.

“Nothing much. I’m waiting for Minhyun hyung.”

“Your cousin?”

Guanlin almost rolled his eyes at himself for his choice of follow-up question.

“Yes, didn’t you know that already? Why are you confirming it?”

Naturally, Seonho laughed at him. His laugh shared the same characteristics with his cousin’s. It sounded fruity but rather flat at the same time, as if to retain a hint of judgement, or sometimes, sarcasm while trying to signal to the other person that they enjoyed the joke to a certain degree.

“Hey isn’t that your friend?”

Guanlin turned his head to the direction of Seonho’s finger and saw a familiar figure treading on the thin layers of fallen leaves scattered on the small path behind this building. It was Jihoon. And he was walking so slow it almost looked like he was just wandering aimlessly and not fully aware of the direction following which his legs were taking him.

“Yes, and he’s a hyung.”

He corrected Seonho before averting his gaze from the older boy.

“Okay.”

The other did not protest as he casually resumed whatever he was doing. For a moment, Guanlin was actually grateful that he did not choose to pursue the subject further. On the other hand, they were never officially introduced to each other, which probably explained the lack of interest.

As they went on doing their own things, Guanlin could not help but notice Jihoon going further away in the corner of his eyes. The image of his brown curls sheen in the sun and his narrow shoulders almost shrinking under the mild winter breeze triggered a sense of loneliness in Guanlin. It had been days since the last time they met for lunch with the other guys. He seemed to have found the old harmony he had with the rest of them before long. Sometimes when he observed their crowd from a distance, he was taken aback by how much it reminded him of the good old days. But when he came into the scene, he could always sense Jihoon getting all tensed up and then a brief moment of awkward silence would ensue. He would then be left painfully aware of the hesitation in every one’s eyes and this inexplicable display of emotions on Jihoon’s face until someone decided to speak, which was usually Jisung bringing up a totally unrelated topic followed by Daniel’s random commentary. And then after several encounters as such, Guanlin soon realized the other was trying to avoid him. It upset him at first but then again, he guessed they just were not ready to go back to how they used to be. At this point, would they ever be able to?

“You going?”

Seonho suddenly stood up, interrupting Guanlin’s conversation with himself.

“To where?”

“To food.”

“This is the cafeteria.”

“To real food then.”

Seonho allowed Guanlin no chance to protest when he forcefully dragged him out of the room at the end of that sentence. And the other was already too exhausted by his own thoughts to fight back the strength of a teenage boy in his quest for food. He had been hanging with this new friend a lot lately so he already knew what real food entailed. They were most likely going to a rice cakes stall.

“I’m not running away. You can let go of my hand.”

Guanlin looked at the hand on his own. Seonho’s fingers were not as long as his but the way they barely wrapped around Guanlin’s slightly bigger hand made them look nice in a childish way.

“I want to hold your hand though.”

That took Guanlin off guard.

“Why?”

“Because it feels nice.”

He said it as though it was a fact. For a brief moment as the sunlight dripped off Seonho’s shoulder onto their hands, a dry gust of wind blew through his already unkempt hair leaving a lone petal behind and they were just two stupidly tall boys standing still with their hands in an awkward embrace, Guanlin almost allowed himself to believe it too.

“That’s gross.”

Shaking his hand off the other’s wrap, he said. In his head, it had sounded a bit less harsh.

“Is it?”

Seonho laughed the same half-hearted laugh he always made, his eyes transfixed on Guanlin’s face. Under the sun, it was hard to make out what kind of expression he had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the late update. Works got in the way but I finally finished this chap! Yay! Anyways, I'll try to give a bit more details on Seonho in the next chapter. I know it is probably a bit too sudden for you to see him occupy a large part of this chapter.

**Author's Note:**

> Uhm, my thing is my main character always had to go through something at 17. But Guanlin is litterally 17 irl so I made him a bit older in the present timeline of this fic. And because I would like to include all of the W1 members (and possibly some P101 contestants as well) so I made all the hyung lines same age (Minhyun, Jaehwan, Ong, Daniel) and the maknaes (Guanlin, Daehwi, Woojin, Baejin). Jihoon's the only exception because I want him to be a bit older than Guanlin but still younger than the hyungs. 
> 
> Anyways, I may edit the fic or the notes some time tomorrow because it's already near midnight where I live and I'm too old to function beyond this hour. Please feel free to leave criticism :)


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